In the case of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I actually dozed off a number of times. I never thought I would doze off watching a movie, at a movie theater nevertheless, but this marks the first for me, thanks to Michael Bay.

I’d like to read the pitch for the movie one sometime and look at the way it was sugar-coated—”well, the Decepticons… They come back!” Sold! Wait. How long would this movie last? “Err, two hours and… thirty minutes?” Sold! However, based on my waking moments, I still would like to give credit to the people behind the special effects and continuous action, including Mr. Bay himself. In this day and age though, mesmerizing the minds with pictorials and visuals isn’t enough. It always goes back to some captivating storyline.

Here is handkerchief , Michael. Now stop the stupid music video mentality and go watch The Rock again.

We follow this man’s journey from his adventurous childhood into his wrinkly, old age, as he falls in love with a wild, airplane-loving young girl. The first half hour is a quick strip of their lives passing by as they join each other in love and then sadly separate in her illness and death. They have promised themselves to fulfill their lifelong dream of visiting the exotic sites of South America, but apparently missed their chance. After a lot of grievance, and at 78 years of age, the old man decides to do so in celebration of his wife’s memory. With thousands of balloons tied to his home, and accompanied by a little chubby boy scout, he flies away.

I become a little reserved whenever I unintentionally hype up a movie, but when has Pixar gone wrong in the past? We had three girls in our group—my wife, her sister and my sister-in-law. The unexpected result was: All three were crying and tearing toward the end of the movie. The whole system came crashing down. What the hell happened? Even my brother felt nostalgic. What’s wrong with you, dude? “The old guy reminded me of my uncle.” Those brilliant filmmakers have always managed to inject some emotional serum into their animated comedies to appeal to adults, but this time the garden hose was left hooked to the vena cava far too long.

To me, the movie was as good as it was sad, but I didn’t care much for the talking dogs. I felt they were distracting and intrusive. Unfortunately, that part constituted a good portion of the movie, so what am I saying here? It’s good, but not that good. In other words, if you missed it at the theaters, don’t fret.

Where is my loofah?!

I caught X-Men Origins: Wolverine this past weekend and, honestly, it was enjoyable. However, there were a couple of things that I couldn’t get past which made this movie worth renting only. It tried way too much to fit all the puzzle pieces together. Yes, it’s an X-men prequel focusing on one of the most important characters, and it’s probably supposed to explain the beginnings of things, but leave a couple of challenges and explorations for my imagination… damn it.

It tried to tie the prequel with the sequels (or the originals?) that they’re almost back-to-back. For example, I don’t know need to see Xavier at the end with a big smile on his face barely saying a couple of words just to know how everyone gets discovered and hooked up. Also, I don’t need a stupid reason explaining Wolverine’s recent past before he becomes an X-Man, such as adamantium bullets created to  make Wolverine lose his memory… but not kill him? How convenient.

And since when faking a death, such as Kayla Silverfox’s, can be simply done by giving her an injection that simulates death and covering her with blood. Does no one check for wounds these days? And finally, how fake are your claws? Especially in the scene where he’s in the bathroom checking his newly forged adamantium claws out. If there is not much action going on, why not just use something real. Damn you, shiny computer-generated effects.

So I think, with these two depreciating cents, I managed to ruin the movie for you in a very confusing way. But the important question is: Should you be upset?

Yes.

"My sweet, eternal love... Did you brush your teeth?"

Filthy yet care-free and happy children are playing near an airfield. Jamal sees the ball shoot for the sky and quickly starts backing for it. As a plane whizzes by, dispersing the children, incapable policemen on motor bikes spot the kids and start chasing them. This is when we are introduced to a world we would have never thought about for more than a minute or two. The bitter reality of the slums of Mumbai, India—countless adjacent shacks chart the residence of the poor classes of India.

People are in shock, sadness or awe when they see scenes like this, but I always think “maybe they’re happy?” I always wondered what made people happy, and what made people feel sad about others, but even in our thinking we can be selfish. Putting basic necessities of life aside, it is very possible that seemingly unfortunate people are perfectly content with their lives, having pure aspirations for love, bonding and caring.

This scene cuts another where we see Jamal for the first time, tied up, hanging as he’s being tortured on suspicion of cheating on one of the most popular television shows in India; “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” After being dragged from the torture room to the chief officer’s room for further interrogation, the story of how the Gods had smiled on this slumdog unfolds, question-by-question, flashback-by-flashback. Jamal proves that life experiences, whether wealthy or poor, can be worth a million dollars.

I heard mixed opinions about this movie before I saw it. I didn’t know whether it was eligible for 8 Oscars or not, whether the down-sloping economy threw off the hype meter. Regardless of all that, I saw the movie and I liked it. It had a lot of drama and some comedy; a perfect combination to keep you attached to the characters throughout. See it!

A supposedly-epic war movie’s budget has reached ridiculous levels prompting the higher-ups to shut it down. The director takes one final stab at enticing the studio and rejuvenating the film by sending the all-star cast into the jungles of Southeast Asia, where real guerrillas and drug traffickers roam, in order for the actors to truly live their roles.

The movie is more weird and disturbing than funny. Ben Stiller’s character is annoying and Jack Black’s is so whacked out and freaky that you might not be able to sleep well that night. The only redeeming character with flawless delivery is that of Rober Downy Jr., who plays an Australian actor who undergoes a specialized surgery transforming him into a black man, specifically for his role in the movie.

To sum everything up, skip this one.

Either way, I wouldn’t say I was an avid fan who has watched each and every episode, although I have a strong feeling that very soon the DVD series will be on my Netflix queue, but I do remember that the show had a brilliant mix of reality and supernaturality, and it kept me hooked a good portion of the time.

The show also emphasized the two main counterparts. FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully were the respective embodiments of open beliefs and supernatural cynicism. It was always a battle between simple Occam Razor’s abiding theories and sensible, tangible evidence… or lack of it.

Unfortunately, the movie itself is no more than an extended episode with a lackluster story and pre-cooked 10 years’ worth of character development. The only enjoyment I received was from the seeing David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson working together again.

I guess it’s not so bad to fatally shoot myself….

Maybe a shot to the foot or something…

Rent it.

"How the hell do you do it, Cyclops?"

Hancock is one of those movies where if you look at its smooth, shiny surface from afar you will wonder “Hmmm, bizarre pornography?” But then if you scratch a little at it, you will find a mindless roller-coaster ride which defies all laws of physics. If you scratch further more, you will feel a pulse—a small hint of heart and profundity.

So you start striking at it with an ice pick and you will eventually see the traces of the never-disappointing and beautiful Charlize Theron. Getting all awkwardly excited, you then borrow your weird friend’s jackhammer and start drilling like a psycho, but you will find absolutely nothing, because you got greedy… and Hancock stops there.

It is the story of an unhappy superhero, John Hancock (Will Smith), whom people see as the ultimate asshole of the universe. Why? While he saved many lives throughout the years, he sort of did more damage than good, and I am talking about physical damage. Like destroying cars, buses, trains, houses, buildings, or wreaking havoc to put it mildly. It’s like when your friendly neighbor offers… No… insists to help you mow your lawn, but winds up accidentally chopping your dog into many splattered pieces. Hancock falls into the depths of despair with drinking being his only true friend.

Then one day, he saves the life of Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman), a public relations executive, who also has some frustrations of his own. To find purpose and meaning in his life, he goes out of his way to improve the broken image of Hancock. Ray’s wife, Mary, is played by Charlize Theron, who holds a secret of her own.

Without a doubt, Hancock is a lot of fun, but as a consumer getting his or her money’s worth… I mean as an avid appreciator of the moving pictures, you always yearn for some deepness, and that’s where Will Smith comes in. He is the one who defibrillated the movie out of its demise.

Overall, Hancock can be safely rented.

"Will you be my toaster?"

When I first saw the WALL-E trailer I thought “Great effects! But probably a crappy story…” I thought, after the Pixar dudes shined with progressive masterpieces like Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille, that they must hit a bump and come crashing down at some point… and this was it.

I have never been so wrong in my entire life. Let alone boasting one of the most amazing and detailed computer-generated animations I have ever seen, WALL-E was full of heart and soul. Strangely, for a movie that contained very little talking, it spoke volumes and touched the heart numerous times—it is simply incredible.

The movie starts out by showing a dumpster of an earth—garbage was everywhere and everything was in ruins. Seemingly, entropy was the single inhabitant of the planet, but amidst the dust clouds you can see some order forming—Blocks of compacted garbage neatly placed in columnar piles. A little cute robot called WALL-E had a single life-long directive and that is to clean up the blue rock. The problem is after hundreds of years, he grew a personality of his own… he collected many things and was starting to long for some companionship.

Then one day, a robot, EVE, is sent to the now-sh*tty planet to search for an essence of human existence; plant life. That was supposedly the signal for humans to return to their home planet. Of course WALL-E doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the value of life. He just has the hots for EVE, and he may do anything to impress her, even go as far as appreciating the value of… err… life. After a rough patch, the two hit it off and the great space adventure is kicked off.

Did I mention that the animation was incredible? I’d so much like to see the render farms that made this into reality. There is a scene where WALL-E strolls through a field of yellow autumn leaves and it is just majestic. As for the emotional aspect, there is no doubt that you will grow attached to WALL-E, and even more to the bonds of love between him and EVE. Even when you hear them call each other, and the way they say each other’s names, you will feel warm and fuzzy inside.

You might try to slap yourself into consciousness to remind yourself that “dude, get a life, they’re only robots”, but your energy will be much better utilized in moving your ass to a theater near you and seeing this awesome creation.

"Oh, my God... There goes my career."

What’s wrong with M. Night Shyamalan? He initially gives us gems for films which I don’t think I need to mention but I will anyways—The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs are reflections of a filmmaker who has so much depth and artistic vision. Well-crafted story lines with spectral characters burn unforgettable moments in our minds. Even the Sixth Sense’s ending has become a pop cultural reference.

The Village is intriguing but not as captivating as its predecessors, and ever since that release Night’s movies have been rolling down the hill. I understand his intentions most of the time, which can be nice on paper, but then I could have a great book in my hand and slapping it against a fellow’s face isn’t going to make it any more appealing to them.

The movie starts off in Central Park, New York. Two girls are sitting on a bench. One is reading and the other is enjoying the nice view—they’re both having a good time. Suddenly, the reader starts mumbling stuff. Passerby slow to a halt and start walking backwards. What the… hell? Then the reader pulls out her hairpin and shoves it in her own neck. Dear lord… WHY?

Smack-dab at the beginning of the movie we witness the petrifying symptoms of “The Event”. What this event is is unknown, not even till the end of the film. But, as usual, many humans start to theorize and calculate while others clutch at their faiths. Viewers on the other hand are ready to piss their pants.

As usual, M. Night sails uncharted waters in the sea of movies. Unfortunately, if the delivery isn’t up to snuff the whole thing comes crashing down. The acting was awkward… Mark Wahlberg exhibited some emotional moments, but the rest was goofy (which how he really is in ‘most’ of his movies) and unnecessary. Many of the scenes were supposed to be terrifying, but people in the theater were laughing their asses off. Were the scenes not set up right, or did we just grow desensitized to the idea of people jumping off buildings and plummeting to their deaths?

In the end, I’d like to be left with something. A surprise or an idea, it doesn’t matter. I guess with this movie I’m left with a divide between humans and how they perceive foreign things in life and nature. Or is it just a superficial warning directed at us to stop raping the environment? I can understand the symbolism either way, but I’m still left unimpressed.

I don’t think you will miss anything if you skip The Happening. Go rent Unbreakable instead!

"This.. table... is... so...... heavy."

Every once in a while, a movie comes along which manages to change my perspective on life, reorganize my priorities and redefine my goals. Before I delve into my updated career objectives, imagine this: after some nobody-gives-a-crap-about wedding, you’re going to a desolate yet beautiful summer house with the woman you love. You start to enjoy a romantic evening with champagne and scattered rose petals accompanied by unobtrusively catchy tunes—you start to enjoy all this when life punches you in the gut as you propose to your girlfriend and she says no…

Yes, The Strangers starts out like that. So you already start feeling disappointment, sadness and frustration before life pulls the cord on its bloody chainsaw in the form of a hard knock on the door. That’s when things start to go downhill. Combine the desolation, the tense atmosphere and the first fade-in of the intruder’s mask into the frame behind our heroine and you start re-evaluating your aims in life, as I mentioned in the first paragraph. Right then, The Strangers starts turning into a roller coaster of terrifying moments.

Fortunately, what lets my feet touch reality ground from time to time is some of the stupid things that happen in the movie, perhaps to exaggerate the horrific events. For example, the house guests are armed with a shotgun and a lot of bullets and yet the intruders, armed with their hands and knives, are not veered nor defeated. And, seriously, when I hear a knock on the door at 4 o’clock in the morning, my mind immediately occupies itself in deciding whether to drop an Insta-deuce or call 911. Come on!

The Strangers, with its many deficiencies, has one extremely effective factor—lack of motive, especially in such carnage. Unless you would like to call “Let’s start up some sh*t with some random people” a motive then I stand corrected. This brings me back to my first notion. If I were in the lead characters’ position, I would love if the ending instead showed the intruders tied up to the chairs and me standing right there… holding an AK-47… in an army uniform… with camouflage paint on my face… explaining to them how life can be an ironic bitch.